


Can't You See?

by RiverOfFandoms



Category: The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types
Genre: Conflict, F/M, High School AU, Soulmate AU, cpnfusion, hot/cold au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-22
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-16 14:25:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4628628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiverOfFandoms/pseuds/RiverOfFandoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hot/Cold AU: “The one where the closer you are to them the more aware of them you become, and you find them playing a hot/cold game; for instance, colours get brighter and brighter the closer you are and fade into gray when they’re too far away.” Reader is born without the ability to experience the sight of colours when around her soulmate, Newt, and he knows Y/N is his soulmate but doesn’t know that you are unaware and that you have this inability. You are also his best friend, which is why he thinks that you "act like you don't know",  and he doesn’t want to lose your friendship either, so for now he keeps it a secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback would be much appreciated, thank you for giving this one a read!

You don’t understand why the world works the way it does. Well, of course you understand why it turns, you understand the difference between night and day, how far you humans have succeeded since the start of the Earth. The only thing you will never understand is why people have soulmates. What is it that connects two people together? To you, the idea is ridiculous.

“What was that?” Your best friend, Newt, asks, as he turns the wheel of the car to the right. You look at him briefly, a tired face of a senior high schooler –nothing unusual.

You look out the window, “I didn’t say anything.”

Newt chuckles, “So you were mumbling again?”

Actually you had meant to say something. But how could you start the conversation? What you wanted to talk about is… Not something you could say at the drop of a hat. And you’ll know he will go against it. He will most likely support you, he always does, but you know that deep down he will disagree. Who would agree with something like this? You sigh while playing with the window button, watching as it slides down and up at your own will. Something you have control over. “Probably.”

“Hey, stop playing with the window, you’re letting in the rain and cold air. I have the heater on for a reason, shank.” Newt keeps his eyes focused on the road ahead, but you still sense the feeling of amusement; playfulness.

You lean your head back into the car-seat’s chair and watch as the window winds up. “I hate the media, Newt.”

“What did they do now?” Newt asks, although he knows full-well why you hate it. That’s why you like Newt, he has patience. He has enough patience to listen to the same rants from you over and over again, you’re not sure why though, if you were in his place you’d definitely tell yourself to shut the hell up.

“Don’t refer to the media as they, it is an it. A spiteful, irritating it.” You take in a breath and watch as the houses roll by to your side. “It broadcasts the same thing over and over again, Newt. I’m sick of it. I don’t want to hear about people and their soulmates for the rest of my life. I don’t want this  _garbage_  to be forced down my throat.”

“You wouldn’t be saying that if you found yours.” Newt’s voice is quiet, like he’s testing the waters, slowly edging closer to something he shouldn’t.

“Yes I would!” You roll your eyes, “You obviously don’t understand. I don’t get the hype about it.  _Wow! You found your soulmate! Such a life-achievement!_ ” You mimic the same sentence replayed on every channel, except sarcastically. “What’s the big deal?”

Newt coughs, “Well, I remember a certain someone’s diary from when they were fourteen –pretty sure that says differently.”

“Newt-

“ _My Mum told me about how she and Dad found each other. How the first colour she saw was red! She says that is her favourite colour, and always will be. I wonder what colour I will see first. Oh how I can’t wait to meet my soulmate!”_  Newt smiles, obviously pleased with his recital and memory skills.

You give him a vicious glare, “Things change.”

“I know right, what happened to that sweet little girl?”

Newt pulls up into the school’s parking lot. You both get out, almost simultaneously, and enter into the school’s looming building. “Do me a favour Newt and forget about that diary. I grew up.”

“C’mon Y/N, I was only playing. You don’t need to-

“I’ll see you after, alright?”

Newt tilts his head sideways, you hate it when he does that. It’s so indifferently charming but also so tricky and annoying. You know he thinks something is up, and he’s right. But how can you tell him about it? You were planning to tell him in the car, but that moment and privacy is gone. “Okay Y/N, see you after school.”

* * *

You sit on the bleachers and wait for the lacrosse team practice to start while getting ahead in your math class. It’s not your best subject, but you’re not completely horrible at it either. But if you’re going to watch practices in future, then getting ahead in school work will help in not falling behind. Plus, the classrooms are way too stuffy for your liking –and it’s not raining for once.

“Enjoying the cold air, Y/N?” Thomas says after jogging up the steps and then sitting down beside you. You look at his lacrosse jersey and suddenly wonder what colour it is. Maybe green, or perhaps red? You shake the whole colour thing out of your head; who cares?

“I can enjoy it a bit more if you stay and hug some warmth into me, I think I’m becoming numb.” You giggle slightly while stretching your pale fingers in and out.

Thomas bites the inside of his mouth nervously, “You know I can’t do that…”

“It’s just a hug… Why do you have to be so paranoid?” You frown at him, like the many times you have before.

“I have a right to be paranoid, Y/N. If we get caught, even the slightest suspicion, we’re going to be labelled for not being with our soulmates. You know that. Why do I always have to tell you?”

“I almost told Newt about us this morning, in the car.” You lopok away from his face and stare out onto the lonely, grassy field.

“What?” Thomas shakes his head, “You know you can’t say anything. Not to anyone.”

“But Newt is my best friend, I can trust him.” You reason, clutching your pencil tightly. Newt’s always been there for you, of course he would understand. He knows you, unlike anyone else. You can’t pretend nothing is going on between yourself and Thomas…

Thomas only sighs, “You can’t trust anyone with this, Y/N.” He reaches for your hand but you pull away, your head turns and you stare out onto the field, your jaw clenched. “Y/N please, I’m not the bad guy here.”

“I hate secrets.” You whisper. “I hate pretending.”

“What, you think I love it? That I love sneaking out all the time just to meet you? That I can never take you out on a proper date because of what people would say?” Thomas puts his head into his hands. After a minute or so of silence he says, “Every time, Y/N. Every single time.” He lifts his head and stares down at the field, the players haven’t come out onto it yet but you both know he’ll have to go down soon. “We argue too much. Every time I see you… Can’t you just be happy that I’m trying my hardest?”

“You know why we argue.”

Thomas turns his head, a look of almost bewilderment on his face, “Oh, so you’re going to bring that factor up, huh? The ‘we argue a lot because we’re not soulmates’ card?” Thomas shakes his head and laughs dryly, “I can’t believe you. Here I am, busting my ass to keep us together, why are you in doubt all of a sudden? I thought you didn’t care about the whole soulmate thing.” His voice grows quiet, his eyes become sad.

“I don’t care –I just…” You stare at the books in your laps. You wish you were so called soulmates. Things would be easier, no one would judge your relationship. No one would constantly ask why you two are together when you know you aren’t even soulmates. No one would constantly say, ‘What’s the point?’ You wish it were easier.

But it isn’t.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper, your voice trembles slightly. You edge closer to Thomas, your hands wrap around his neck as you slide in closer for a hug. His arms, hesitant at first, wrap around your torso. You lean your head into his shoulder. “I’m so so-sorry Tom.”

One of his hands reaches up to the back of your head, “It’s alright, it’s okay. Please don’t cry. I love you. I love you.”

You want to say it back, but you know you can’t.

* * *

You sit next to your friend, Katie, while munching on fries and listening to the group’s conversation –not really showing much interest in what they’re saying.

“Hey, Y/N, I saw you hanging around the field today at practice, got your eyes on somebody?” Kent says, still with his lacrosse jersey on. Saying he’s obsessed with lacrosse would be an understatement.

Carly and Katie gasp, while Newt only looks at you curiously.

“Don’t tell me you’ve met your soulmate already!?” Katie almost squeals. While Kent’s obsession is lacrosse, Katie’s is love, romance, everything mushy. Everything she thinks is real –everything you think is fake.

You shake your head, “Of course I haven’t. I was just watching the practice, I actually take an interest in lacrosse. Is that such a crime?”

“Hey, hey, calm down now.” Gerry said before he took a sip from his soda, “No need to get your panties in a twist.”

Carly giggled, “It’s only because she hates the idea of love.”

“Did I ask you to comment?”

Gerry looks you in the eye, his eyebrow raised. “What, you’re against it?”

You shift uncomfortably under his gaze, “I just think it’s overrated. The whole soulmate thing –it’s ridiculous. Besides, do we have to get into an argument?” You sip your cola, “I’m sick of arguments.”

Newt looks at you confused, “What’s that supposed-

“Thomas!” Carly says as he comes up to the table. He sits beside Carly, she gives him a quick side hug before jumping into her constant flirtation. “I saw you in lacrosse today.” She smirks, biting her lip. “Did Coach choose the team captain yet? I bet it will be you!”

You try to catch Thomas’ eyes, but he keeps them directed away. A constant flicker, never landing on yours. You try not to get angry, you try to ignore the fact that he’s letting Carly all over him. You know she’s flirty, of course the idea of actually starting a relationship with him is totally out of her mind, but that doesn’t mean she won’t get in his pants. Those are two completely different things. That’s why everyone who doesn’t produce colour into your eye sight is a valid one-night-stand kind of buddy –simply because you’re told you can’t ever love somebody other than your "significant other".  

Newt, sitting next to you, reaches his hand over to yours and lightly touches it, “You alright?” Of course he can notice your distress, he’s like a walking monitor, attached to your brain, knowing your every move and feeling. Sometimes it irritates you. Sometimes it’s comforting.

“I…” You watch as Thomas’ eyes stare down at Newt’s hand over yours, Thomas’ jaw clenches and relaxes, he does nothing. “I’m fine.” You stare at Thomas, his eyes on your for the first time since he arrived, “Everything is fine.”


	2. Thomas

You close your laptop carefully and sigh, pushing it away from you; sliding it over the kitchen bench. “Why does homework have to be such a drag?” You groan, resting your chin onto your hand. It’s been such a long week already, and you haven’t spoken to Thomas since that incident after school a few days ago. He might have texted you but you’ve had your phone turned off for the past few days –sometimes you like to disconnect from the virtual world of drama and constant talking, liking, commenting and such.

Your Mom walks into the kitchen looking exhausted but she still manages to smile. Sometimes you wonder how she does that, how she puts up with so much every day, definitely more than what you have to put up with, and still is able to be calm and happy.

“Want me to make you a cup of tea?” She asks kindly while bustling around the kitchen with pots and pans that have to be cleaned.

“I can make it.” You say as you hop off one of the stools and grab two mugs from inside the cupboard, “Want one?”

She nods as she fills up the sink with warm water and then adds the dishwashing liquid. When you set the kettle onto boil you watch as the bubbles foam up and rise as the water continues to fill the sink. You pass her the sponge.

“Mom,” You start, and then gingerly lift up one of the mugs, “What… what colour is this?”

She raises an eyebrow before answering, “If I remember correctly… Orange, yes, that one is orange.” She finishes with one of the dirty, now clean, pots and sets it aside to air-dry, “Why are you asking?”

You set down the mug and pour boiling water in both cups, “I don’t know… I guess I just always use this mug –it’s my favourite… as one would say.” You stir the sugar around in both mugs until dissolved and then sit back down on the kitchen bench stool, “What kind of colour is orange?”

Your Mom laughs, shakes her head from side-to-side, “It’s hard to describe colours. Kind of like trying to explain music to completely deaf people.” She finishes with another pot, “But I’d guess you would say it’s bright, probably one of the brightest. Although all colours have different shades, so there would be a few shades where it seems duller than the rest. The colour is like… the smell of citrus, the taste of an orange, and the crispiness of autumn leaves.”

You think over this a short while before opening your laptop again and getting stuck into the rest of your essay. Her description was interesting –like you really did know the colour of orange. A few minutes later, your Mom sets down the orange mug beside your laptop, you watch as the steam drifts off the top of the cup. Imagine if there were some sort of disability to never be able to see colours –like permanently blind people. A sort of sadness comes over you, how would a blind person be able to tell who their soulmate is? How could they trust the one that says they are who they say they are?

You take your things upstairs to your room, spreading out everything over your bed. You decide that this essay will be done by today so that tomorrow you can have a homework free day –which will probably consist of binge watching Friends.

Suddenly your kid brother is beside you, hand outstretched, holding the home telephone. “For you.”

You take the phone from his hands and without asking your brother who it is you say, “Hello?” Your heart immediately pounds with excitement –no anxiety, is it Thomas? Would he dare call your home phone? Of course he wouldn’t, that would be some sort of risk. According to him.

“Oh hey, it’s me. Newt.” The familiar soft voice calms your nerves at once. How does he do that?

You smile into the phone, “Long time no see, how have you been?”

“I literally saw you this morning,” He laughs, “But I’m relatively good. What about you? I’ve been trying to contact your mobile all afternoon.”

You groan, “Sorry, I turned it off because… stuff. Only if there were some way to block all notifications except yours my dear friend.” You take a sip of your tea from your orange mug.

“If it were only that easy. Anyway, watcha’ doing?” You hear a chorus of laughter in the background and wonder what he’s up to at 3 in the late afternoon on a Saturday.

“Nothing. Homework. Boring, boring homework with nothing but an orange mug filled with tea.”

“Ah,  _that_  orange mug.”

Suddenly a rapping on your window breaks away your focus –you stare over at said window and see a very nervous looking Thomas on your balcony. He tries to smile but must have heard a car go past or a door slam and instantly turns his head, flipping from side-to-side. You can’t help but laugh quietly at his nerves. But then again, seeing him like that also reminds you of everything that happened.

“Y/N? You still there?”

Thomas stares at you through the window, his jaw clenched –not in anger but in anticipation.

“I called to see if you wanted to go to that waffle place again-

You suddenly realise you’re still on the phone with Newt, “I –uh, I have to go Newt. I’ll see you at school.” You hang up the phone and chuck it onto your bed. You walk over to your window and see the effort Thomas makes at smiling again –for some reason you can’t help but smile back.

“Gonna let me in or not?” He grins slightly, his fist still leaning on the outer window sill.

You open the window quietly and shut your bedroom door. He comes up behind you and spins you around, pulling a slightly damaged bouquet of flowers from his backpack. You take them into your hands and laugh, the flowers are bent and most of them only had half the petals they started with. “Rough climb, huh?”

“You could say that.”

“Didn’t think you were the romantic type.”

You drop the flowers beside your feet as you are suddenly embraced by this secret boyfriend of yours. His head rests onto your shoulder, “I am so sorry, Y/N. I just-

You lift his head off your shoulder, your hands cupped around his face. Your eyes on his –moving your hands so they wrap around his neck. You reach in for a kiss, one that’s been wanted for a while now. You move with him; steady but passionate. His arms wrap around your waist as it grows deeper but it is soon cut short but a quick series of knocks against your bedroom door.

“Get off the phone now, I need to call Aunt Josie.” It’s your mother.

“Just a minute!” You cry, eyes wide. Thomas shuffles around on the spot, turning his head this way and that.

He mouths, “Where do I hide?”

You mouth back, “Just go under the bed.”

“What?” He silently questions, and inquisitive brow upon his face.

You roll your eyes and shove him under the bed. Then you grab the phone you had discarded, lying atop your bed’s quilts. You open your bedroom door and pass it over.

“Who called?”

“Newt.”

She turns to go but instantly stops and turns back, your heart pounds. She must know something, she must. She’s your mother –it’s like some sort of intuition. She can probably smell him –no she can probably smell your fear. Just stop thinking, stop overacting, you tell yourself. Just stop altogether –yeah that’d be right.

“Are you okay?”

You freeze up and swallow hard, “I –uh, I’m fine.”

She raises an eyebrow and looks past you, into your bedroom. She takes a step forward and manages to manoeuvre past you. She immediately looks around the room. She notices the open window and turns to you. She opens her mouth to say something but you quickly cut her off.

“Why are you calling Aunt Josie?”

She looks at you for a second and pauses, then her eyes light up. “Oh, that’s right, I was going to call her to see if she could-   
She stop mid-sentence and looks around, almost nervously. “If she could maybe come over soon and help me with my new art project, you know the one that I’ll be selling for charity?”

Now it’s your turn to be suspicious. But she catches on almost immediately. “I won’t say anything if you don’t say anything.”

You smile, “Alright with me.”

“Good.”

You close the door again and wait until your mother starts talking over the phone until you help Thomas out from underneath your bed.

“That was the most intense thing I’ve witnessed all my life, your mother is _scary_. It was like she could hear my heartbeat or smell my deodorant.” He says quietly, his face extremely terrified. “I feel like I’ve had a near death experience.”

You laugh and his overdramatic reaction, “Need to sit down for a while? Have a cup of tea maybe?”

“Oooo! Yes please, some Netflix too?” He replies as he snuggles into my bed, removing anything homework related.

“Are you attempting a ‘Netflix n’ chill’ on me right now?” You question, hands on hips.

You watch as his face goes from relaxed to terror. He jumps out of the bed, almost slipping over, and shakes his head violently. “I-I would never suggest such a thing. You are incredibly inappropriate, why on Earth would I-

You immediately fall into a fit or laughter, pointing a shaking finger over at his shocked face. “I can’t believe…” Your laughter drowns out some of your words before you going to say, “You are  _so_  adorable!”

His face grows red, “I really dislike you right now.” His arms crossed over his chest, eyes averted from yours.

You hop into the bed and exit your essay after saving, and then you put in a disc of Friends. He watches your every move with curiosity. He slowly and steadily becomes aware that your about to play his favourite TV show, and as he is about to sit down beside you he turns away again –still angry from before.

The opening scene starts to play and you watch him as he listens intently, trying to laugh at the jokes already being made. Then the scene disappears and the theme song comes onto the screen. You start to see his butt wiggling along, his hips swaying. Then all of a sudden he jumps around and sings along, dancing at the same time too.

You jump up on the bed and sing along with him. His hands outstretched, you take them into yours and jump down onto the ground where you can both rock out together. With butts jiggling and voices screaming you suddenly feel very giddy and grateful for Thomas. You’re not even doing anything big or detailed, you’re just dancing and singing like crazy to an oldish TV show.

You both collapse onto the bed, giggling and laughing. He looks over at you, smiling gleefully; exactly how you feel. You look into his eyes and for once you finally feel like everything is going to be alright. Your doubts about this all suddenly seem to slip away, nothing can hurt you now.

“Y/N?” Your mother shouts from the kitchen. You get up from the bed and open the door.

Shouting back you say, “Yeah?”

“Newt’s here to see you!”


	3. Netflix n' Chill

Your eyes widen and your breath hitches before you stumble over your words, “I-I – wait what!?” Is this seriously happening to you right now!?

Your bed creaks slightly as Thomas slips off of it and grabs his things, he comes up behind you and kisses your cheek. “Hey, I can just go if you want.” You turn around to face him, a little startled by his sudden kiss. He sighs, “This is obviously too difficult.”

“Wait.”

He looks at you with those eyes from the day in the café, a sort of look that tells you he’s over all of this. Your lip trembles and you look away.

“You can’t just leave like this Thomas.”

He rolls his eyes and lifts each strap of his back pack onto his shoulders, “Obviously I have to. It’s not my fault you have some kind of pretend boyfriend for your parents or something. What’s the deal with that anyway? I’m not good enough for you? You pretend he’s your soulmate rather than me, the person you actually like?”

You’re somewhat taken aback by his comment. He sees your confusion and slight annoyance in your eyes; his gaze drops to the floor.

You reach a hand to his face and lift it so his eyes look into your own, but he still manages to divert them away as he shakes his head from your hand. “You want me to  _pretend_  you’re my soulmate?” Your voice sounding completely unsure and full of mixed emotions.

“I… I would do that.” His eyes creep up onto yours again, you see his fingers fidgeting nervously. “I would do anything for you, Y/N.”

You don’t know what to say. You’re not sure if you should say anything at all. Your breathing is irregular, quicker and shorter. Pretend Thomas is your soulmate? Would anyone ever do anything like that? Would you?

“He –oh.” It’s Newt.

Your eyes widen but you quickly take a long quiet breath. Thomas, uncertain of what he should do, stares around awkwardly at the room. You try to think of something to say –anything. It’s not what it looks like –oh as if Newt would believe that. He’s no idiot.

Wait, why are you even considering lying to Newt? He is your best friend! If he’s caught you together than why not just explain it truthfully? He might not like it but he will not just completely ditch your friendship. Newt isn’t like that. He’s loyal no matter what. He’s kind and supportive of anything and everything.

“I hope those notes will do, I’m not the brightest kid in class but I did write everything I possibly could down.” Thomas says, a calm look on his face although you already know there’s something threatening deep down.

“Of course they’ll do, thanks again.” You smile as if you’ve never had a heart wrenching, emotional conversation with this boy ever.

He smiles back before walking away, slapping Newt on the back, “See you both at school.” He continues out the room and must make it out of the house without anyone else in your family seeing, hopefully.

You turn around after blinking away the thin line of tears that threatened to spill over your face. “I missed out on the movie in English class.”

Newt frowns, “There was no movie in English class…” He tugs on the ends of his blue jumper, as if he’s hesitant about something.

Tears cloud your vision, you can’t help it this time. You can’t sniff back the tears and pretend everything is okay. Newt must think this is strange because he was always the shoulder you cried on. You told him  _everything_. “I… I meant – I meant History class.”

Whatever hesitation Newt had immediately disappears as he senses your distress, he comes over to you and wraps you up into his arms. You give in as the tears spill from your eyes, dampening the area of his jumper where your face is pressed against. The subtleness of his rising chest and comfort of his arms calms you, and soon your tears no longer pour from your eyes. Soon he sits you down onto your bed after putting your laptop away. He finds a box of tissues in your jungle of a room and dries the tears away for you.

You study his face; silent. He doesn’t say a word while trying to fix you. Trying to make you feel better. He wraps you up in your blankets and passes you a mug of tea and a block of chocolate. Your face doesn’t show any emotion but you’re astonished. If it were you in the same room as a crying, upset Newt you’d probably bombard him with questions. But he does everything he can think of to make you feel better.

He stares at you, just for a moment. He must have understood your confusion and distress as he still decides not to ask you anything, but you can see the worry and concern written on his face; colouring his eyes. He shuffles around the room, tidying things up. Straightening out books, folding your washing, fidgeting with anything and everything in the room so he can keep himself calm and collected. He doesn’t talk, and you don’t talk to him either. Just the bustling noises he makes and the concentrated frown on his face brings you calmness.

But suddenly you hear his voice reach out to you from the silence, “What…” He turns to you, his face full of confusion. “Where did you get these?”

You look at his hands, your eyes widen and you become panicked. You completely forgot about the flowers, Thomas must have forgotten too. You look Newt in the eye, his eyes looking back at you but no longer confused. They’re hurt.

“Newt…”

He shakes his head and drops the flowers back onto the floor. It’s as if he contemplates whether or not he should leave, like he usually does before an argument. You know he’d rather not argue, you know he never loses his temper but if he was going leave he would have done it by now.

“Who gave these to you, huh?”

You blink at his slightly raised voice.

He frustratingly drags his hands over his face and paces the room in short, quick steps before he turns back to you. “I can’t believe you,” his voice cracks.

You get up from the bed and walk over to him. “What?” Where did the supportive and always understanding boy you had come to know go? You try to put a hand on his arm to calm him down but he only shrugs you off.

“I let you go along with your little charade for so long, Y/N. I let you constantly hate on the whole soulmate thing. I was never completely sure why you hated it so much, but I let you go along with it because I thought you would come to your senses sooner or later.”

“Okay, so? How does a bunch of flowers got anything to do with this? Why are you so mad?”

“Why am I so mad!?” His voice raises even higher. “Are you kidding me, Y/N? You’re still ignoring the major factor here –staring you right in the face. Even now? What, you hate the idea of having a soulmate that much?” His chest moves up and down rapidly, his fists clenched. All the while you’re trying to figure out this hidden meaning behind his words. The same question replaying over and over in your mind… What does he mean?

He chuckles, “And you’ve still got that confused, I-don’t-know-what-you’re-talking-about look in your eye. You’re really good at acting, maybe you should stick with it.” He picks up his phone from your desk and turns to go. “For a long time, Y/N, I thought you ignored it because of me. I thought you started hating the soulmate concept as passionately as you do because you didn’t  _want_ me. And then I got over it, I just thought that you were –I don’t know, going through some stuff that you needed to figure out on your own. But I was right, wasn’t I?” He walks over to the door, his back to you. His sweaty, shaking hand over your doorknob. “You don’t want me.”

* * *

**Newt’s POV**

I remember it so vividly. I always do. The day I met her back in freshman year. I was just this short, twig of a kid with a messy, blond mop on my head, still going through puberty. I didn’t understand much about love, heck, I didn’t really understand much about anything. But when I saw her…wow. That’s all I can say, really.

I had arrived a tad late that day because we had to take my Grandpa to the hospital for his routine check-up and I guess we just couldn’t work the times out right –and because Dad was called in earlier than usual. So I missed homeroom but I was still told where my classes were going to be. As I approached my classroom I saw it…orange. It was dim at first, barely even there. But soon it grew and grew, it became so much more vibrant. It was magical. I didn’t realise what was happening until all of these colours exploded in front of my eyes. Until I walked through that classroom door.

The teacher thought I was going to pass out, well, so did I. I mean, that kind of thing doesn’t happen every day. I had to blink a few times to get used to it. Instead of making a big fuss out of it I just sat down at my allocated desk and stared around the room. Wondering who it was. Where was she? Who was she? It took me about a week to find out. One day I just started talking to Y/N about a lot of different things. I guess we just sort of hit it off straight away. We were interested in a lot of the same things but almost always had different opinions about it. And then one day we walked home together because we wanted to stop by this pancake place we hang out at. We were right beside each other, our stepping in sync almost perfectly. And the colours that day were vibrant and bright as ever. I knew it was her, it had to have been. She was in all of my classes when I could see colours. And when I looked at her I could just tell, it was weird and it is hard to explain in words but it felt real and alive nonetheless.  

Years crawled by, we never once spoke about it. I thought it was strange at first and I was way too shy to bring it up. In the end I decided it was for the best. Until sophomore year came around. I developed that hatred. The seething, loathing feeling that there was something wrong with me. That I wasn’t good enough. I hated myself.

I lean my head onto the steering wheel in my car and feel the trickle of tears go down my cheeks. It took so much to get myself out of that mindset. To truly believe that I was the one for her and that she was the one for me. That my brain was completely messed up and was making all the colours up to trick my eyes.

But now, as I sit in my car in a parking lot far away from her, where the colours are all gone, drained from my vision, I can feel myself spiralling down again. I was right, I was right all along. She doesn’t want me.

* * *

You couldn’t sleep that night. Not really. If you did, your subconscious was filled to the brim with confusion and guilt. But you weren’t entirely sure what you were guilty of. But just seeing Newt’s broken, hurt eyes made anxious.

Your phone beeps, startling you. You jump up and look at the lit up screen. Just an email from something you signed up to ages ago. It isn’t Newt. Why would it be? Whatever you have done to him has hurt him to the core. You have never seen him  _this_ upset before –and to think you’re the cause of it makes you want to curl up and cry for eternity.

You sigh and roll over and try to get back to sleep but this time you can’t. All night the same words course through your mind on repeat. The same broken figure standing in your doorway. The one person you treasured so, so much.

_You don’t want me._


	4. The Secret

Your stomach twists with guilt as you enter your first class for the day. Newt’s seat is empty, he hasn’t come in today. Neither did he pick you up in his car. You had called Thomas earlier but he blatantly refused to be publicly seen with you in his car –what are boyfriends for, right?

The day goes by in an emotional blur, everyone talking and acting as normal while you are constantly thinking about Newt as well as trying to avoid as many people as possible. You’re not in the mood to talk to anyone, and you’re also mildly afraid that you will spill the beans. And everyone around you will are not likely to understand what perspective you’re coming from anyway.

Once you get home though, your phone immediately rings, vibrating through your clothing to the skin on your leg. Although the caller I.D doesn’t belong to Newt, you still are quite surprised by who it is anyway. You lift it to your ear, “Hello?”

“Hi…” Teresa’s voice rings clear through the device. She hasn’t spoken to you for a long time, since a term or two into your first year of high school. What could have made her so eager to call now? Could it be Newt? They weren’t best friends but they did become quite close before she slowly faded into the background.

You walk steadily along the path over to your home as you listen to her voice, listen to what she has to say.

She sighs into the phone, “I know it has been ages, for all of us, but I think we should get together again. You know? For old time’s sake.” You picture her smile through the phone, but all you can remember is the pre-teen girl with wild, bushy hair and her always excited eyes. How much has changed since then?

“I can call Minho up, I know he’ll be down for it. And you’re still friends with Newt, right? Man, I remember when you met him in high school! Can you bring him along? Somehow I’ll find Thomas, or you can if you want.” Teresa is happy, you can feel it in her voice. She really wants this to happen and you don’t have the heart to tell her that you can’t do it.

You’re just going to have to find Newt yourself.

“Of course I can bring Newt along, and I’m sure I can let Thomas know too. Where do you want to meet and when?”

Teresa giggles excitedly, “How about this Saturday? Oh and I found this totally awesome place, some kind of waffle place? I’ve only been there once before, but the food there is great. Maybe at eleven?”

You chuckle softly, the memories of that same waffle place, the one you and Newt hung out at many times before, pouring into your mind. “Of course, we’ll see you then.”

“Alright, bye!”

Her voice echoes and you stare down as the display screen tells you the call has ended, already all the thoughts of what could happen swirl around in your mind. You only have tonight to find out where Newt is before the outing tomorrow. What are you going to do?

 **You:**  Newt, I know you’re upset at me but we need to talk. Please call me.

You place your phone onto the table and make your way upstairs to your bedroom. You immediately change your outfit to something less constricting and more practical.

 **Newt:**  I don’t want to talk to you.

Your heart drops as you read his words and you try to swallow the pain and sorrow –you’re not going to cry, at least not now. 

You walk around the back of your house and take your bicycle from your garage. You pedal through the maze of streets, the rain expected later on today already settling over the town. You reach Newt’s house and practically jump from your bike, running all the way to the front door. You push the doorbell and hope upon hope that Newt answers.

“Hello Y/N,” Newt’s Mom opens the door with a smile on her face. “My goodness, you’re drenched!” She quickly ushers you inside and before you know it you’re sitting down on her couch with a blanket wrapped around you and a steaming cup of tea in your icy hands. “Would you like something to eat? Drink?” Her thick English accent only reminding you of one person.

You wipe away the drips of rain scattered over your forehead with the end of your sleeve, “No thank you, I just came over to see Newt.”

“Sorry dear, you just missed him, he left about ten minutes ago. I don’t know where he went so how about you try calling him?”

“I-  
You open your mouth for only a second, your voice catches within your throat. You tell yourself over and over that you aren’t going to cry, that you just can’t. Not in front of Newt’s Mom. “Yeah, I’ll try that.” But before you let her go you quickly say, “Was Newt upset in any way?”

She furrows her eyebrows, in the exact same way Newt does, “No, I don’t think so. Is everything okay?”

You try your best to put on a smile for her, “Everything is fine.”

As soon as she re-enters the kitchen you quietly make your way back outside to your rain soaked bike, pull up the hood of your jacket and pedal onwards. You start thinking about tomorrow, and the explanation you’ll have to give about Newt’s nonappearance. Maybe you can just say he’s feeling unwell. Even if you can get Newt out of it, you’ll still have to go, and with Thomas around it will only make you feel worse.

You park underneath your front porch and set the bike against the railing as you slide your phone out of your pocket. You felt vibrations on the way home and thought maybe Newt had a change of heart. Instead however, Thomas’ name lights up the screen.

 **Thomas:**  Where are you?

But before you can type a reply, Thomas suddenly walks out of your front door and you spot a mildly confused mother in the background. Thomas’ hair is slicked back, raindrops decorating his cheeks and nose. His usual bright eyes cold and full of worry. “Why are you wet?” His eyes skim over your bike and his eyes turn confused. “Why were you riding your bike in the rain?”

You put your phone back into your pocket, “I… I was looking for Newt.” You swallow the tears and desperately blink them away. “I haven’t seen him all day and he won’t answer my calls-

“What about me? I called you twenty minutes ago! Your Mom didn’t even know where you were and with the rain… You’re going to get sick if you don’t dry off.” He opens your front door and leads you inside to sit on the couch.

“What about you? You’re soaked too!”

“What is this I hear about Newt?” Your Mom walks into the room and hands you a towel to dry your hair off. “Is he alright?”

“Mom…” Your voice is shaky and full of emotions; every emotion you could possibly feel. “I don’t know what’s wrong… I did something, it’s my fault he’s this upset but I don’t know what I’ve done! And I don’t know where he is, neither does his Mom.”

“What happened?” Thomas asks softly, sitting beside you on the couch. “Did you have an argument?”

You breathe in and out slowly, shaking your head, “Well, not exactly. He got angry at me about something –about…” You look over into Thomas’ eyes for a moment. “Mom, can we talk alone please?”

Your Mom holds her stare at you for a few seconds longer, the slight nod you give her promises her that you will tell her later. She immediately leaves the room, taking dishes as she goes.

“He got upset because of you.”

Thomas’ eyes widen, “You told him about us?” His voice laced with panic. “Why would you do that?”

“I… I didn’t exactly…” You start, keeping your eyes on your fidgeting hands. “I was upset and one thing lead to another… he found your flowers and put two and two together.”

Thomas raised his hand to his forehead and pushed his fingers through the top brown strands of his hair worriedly. “Why is he upset about that?”

You shake your head, “That I don’t know.”

* * *

You lay in bed, your eyes slowly drooping. You think about today and how badly it went and the anxiety starts to edge into the back of your mind. Newt has never been upset at you for this long, every argument you’ve ever had always ended in being in each other’s arms. And not knowing why you upset him just makes it all so much more worse, how are you supposed to apologise to him? You’ve done nothing wrong…

Suddenly, your eyes fling open and you sit up with a start in your bed. You bunch the sheets up and kick them to the end of your bed before putting on your pants and an old, ragged hoodie. You slip on your shoes hurriedly as you almost tumble down the staircase and pull out your still wet slicked bicycle.

You’re not sure, and for goodness sake you hope you’re wrong, but you can’t spend another night alone with your constant thinking. Soon you fly into Newt’s front yard and for the second time that day you jump off onto the slippery grass. Everyone would be in bed by now so you go through the back gate, using the key stuck deep into the wet Earth, and then race around to the backyard searching for Newt’s bedroom window. Soon you find it, the curtains pulled over but the light on.

You take a few deep breaths before knocking onto the window. The figure inside’s head turns to the sound, first hesitates but soon walks over to the window. He pulls the curtains back and his eyes widen for a moment and you almost think he will leave you outside alone but he unlocks the window and slides the glass open. He blinks slowly and swallows nervously, his eyes flickering from your shaking hands to your trembling lip.

“Newt…”

He brushes the loose blond strands of hair back from his face, his voice cracking from emotional strain, “What do you want, Y/N?”

“I want to know why you’re angry at me.”

He shakes his head, his eyes full of hatred. You suddenly feel very small and untrusted, almost worthless. “You’re kidding me right? Are you still pretending?”

You look down onto the window sill as the tears well up in your eyes, the same that threatened to spill ever since you woke up this morning. “Newt, I honestly don’t know why you’re mad…” Your voice trembles, “But I do know that I would do anything to mend my mistakes, to mend the hurt I put upon you.” You look up at him again, more courage than before, “You have to tell me so I can fix it.”

Newt’s look softens, “What colour is my shirt?”

You blink and your eyebrows frown, “Sorry?”

“What colour is my shirt.”

Your breath shakes and you stare at the shirt as you rake through over all the thoughts that come up in your mind. “I… I don’t know, Newt. Why would I know?”

“I know the colour of your shirt, Y/N.”

Your breath hitches in your throat and you look down, you know it’s red because it was placed in your ‘red’ box. But would he know that? Of course he wouldn’t… he can’t know, that is impossible. “What colour is it then?”

“It’s red.”


	5. The Secret Revealed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick warning: there is a detailed panic attack described in this chapter so if reading this triggers any kind of unwanted memories or makes you feel uncomfortable please either don't read this chapter OR skip over paragraph four :)

You shiver from the cold, or maybe the realisation. Obviously something is wrong though, something is very wrong. If what he is implying is true then… How? “I don’t understand… How are you seeing colours?”

Newt rubs the side of his face frustratingly, “Really Y/N?” He turns his face to the side, in anger or humiliation, you can’t decide. His hardened, clenched jaw shows his discomfort and you feel even worse about yourself. “Because you’re my soulmate, Y/N. You always have been, since I met you.”

You shake your head and take a step back from the window, your eyes flickering anxiously. “This isn’t… this isn’t possible.” Newt, you’re soulmate? You stumble backwards, you can feel the panic seep through.

The pounding of your heart fills your ears and the quickness of your breath alarms you. You drop into a crouch and steady yourself with one hand as your throat desperately sucks in more and more oxygen, only making the rushed, uneven flow worse and worse. You start to feel faint as you fall onto your hands and knees. Nausea tries to push itself from your stomach to your throat, but you swallow it down. At first you think the liquid that drops from your face onto the dry grass is your tears but you soon realise that you are sweating rather than crying. Your fingers twist hard into the ground, into the grass and dirt but it doesn’t help you gain a concrete grab onto the world, everything around you still spins. And all the while you think, how is this possible?

You realise a strong grip against your arm and you turn your head, Newt’s face staring back at you, his eyebrows creased into a worried frown. He calls out your name, again and again and your breathing becomes more steady, slower and calmer. “You’re going to be alright Y/N, just breathe.” He breathes with you, making you count in your head. Soon the nausea that ravaged your body leaves and even though your hands still quiver and your breaths still shake, you feel a lot better.

“I can’t do this… I have to go.” You say croakily before you shakily get to your feet and start towards the side gate.

You hear Newt follow behind you, “Y/N, wait! Where are you going?”

You feel your body tremble from the cold, your hands numb and your heart angry. “I’m going to talk to my parents.”

Suddenly Newt’s footsteps stop as you edge closer to your bike sitting on his front lawn, “Let me come with you.” You want to continue walking but you know you can’t just leave Newt submerged into all of this confusion; this mess.

“Fine with me.”

* * *

Newt drives you home and you both exit the car feeling pretty damn crappy. You can’t look at him, you can’t even talk to him anymore. Whatever this is, whatever happened, has ripped you of the only person you cared most about in the world. It’s like a barrier has been put between you both and you have no clue how to break it down.

“There you are!” Your Mother engulfs you into a hug as soon as you both enter your home, your Father nods at Newt and gives him a thankful smile.

But your Mom’s arms aren’t around you much longer as you push them way viciously, glaring at the two people you were supposed to trust more than anyone. You see Newt’s eyes flicker nervously and he itches the back of his neck, hesitant to speak first.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Your Mom’s voice is soft and gentle, but there’s something lurking within that is worried; concerned.  

You want to hold it in, you really do, but again, for what feels like the hundredth time since this whole fiasco, you start crying again. And as your parents come closer you back away from them, standing next Newt. “I can’t believe you!” Your voice comes out shrill and strained against the tightness in your throat.

But because you can no longer speak, because all the mixed emotions have taken over your body and mind, Newt steps up in front of you slightly, giving you needed protection; comfort. “I am… I’m,” He looks back at you for a split second and you give him the reassuring nod he needs to continue, “I’m Y/N’s soulmate…” His voice is soft, unsure at first. “But…” Newt looks at his feet awkwardly, he swallows the lump formed in his throat.

You wipe the tears away from your eyes with the end of your sleeve, this is obviously something you two have to do together. “I didn’t know until tonight. Until he had to tell me.”

Your Father looks away nervously and your Mom raises a hand to her mouth. They both look at each other, only for a moment, and you see the knowing in both of their eyes. Somehow you get the feeling that this isn’t exactly news to them.

“Newt,” Your Father says, his eyes serious, “Can we speak to Y/N alone for a moment?”

You know Newt would step down and let them get their way, he’s like that, he doesn’t want conflict, but you can’t do this alone. You shake your head immediately, “I’m not talking to you about any of this unless Newt is here. He needs to hear this as much as I do.”

Your Father stares at you for one more moment before he takes a seat, along with everyone else in the room. Once you sit down you suddenly feel very tired, exhausted in fact. The fact that it is almost 12 am doesn’t help either. The couch shifts as Newt sits down beside you, his manner cautious. You don’t tell him to stay, but you don’t tell him to leave. You just want the truth out in the open so you can finally understand what the hell is going on.

“Y/N you…” Your Mom starts off, looking over to your Father for some assistance. He just raises an eyebrow before shifting his gaze to his fidgeting fingers in his lap. She sighs, “You never met your grandmother did you?”

You throw your hands up in frustration, “What has this got to do with anything?”

“She had the same kind of deficiency as you.” Your Father says, his voice concerned but also impatient.

“What deficiency?”

Your Mom takes over the conversation again, “Your Grandmother, she had the same incapability as you… You can’t see colours –and you won’t ever.” The sound of her voice is emotional and sorrowful, it makes you want to jump up and scream at her.

Newt sighs softly next to you, it trembles slightly and you can sense a new feeling of relief spread throughout his body.  _You don’t want me._ Suddenly you’re filled with anger; rage. Your jaw clenches and your fists tighten at this newfound feeling all of a sudden, how much did Newt have to suffer because of your parents’ choice to keep this from you?

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You demand, anger hot in your eyes and wild in your heart.

Your Mom breathes in heavily as she has awaited for this question to arise in the conversation, “We didn’t want you to be discouraged… your grandmother was depressed for a long time and we just… we just didn’t want you to be like that. It was actually more of her idea, before she passed away, to keep it from you. She didn’t want you to feel the same way she did.”

You shake your head, “That doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter about me!” You turn to look at Newt, his eyes drop to the ground in shame. You want to hold him in your arms and tell him it’s not his fault he felt that way, and that he shouldn’t be ashamed. But wouldn’t that give everything a new meaning? Now that you’re labelled as soulmates, everything between you will change. No longer will you two just be friends… And you can’t just jump into a romantic relationship. You feel as though everything around you is fake, and you can’t help but continue to wish that everything was back to normal. Suddenly everything seems to finally kick in, the exhaustion, the confusion, the panic, it all seeps into your mind at once and you can’t handle it any longer. You have to get out of here.

So you do.

* * *

You wake up to a few missed calls from Thomas, and a text from Teresa. You forgot that today you were supposed to meet up. How are you going to tell her that you can’t make it? You decide not to stress over it and stash the phone away in your drawers before heading to the bathroom. As you open your bedroom door you notice a pair of feet jutting outwards off to the side. When you walk out of your bedroom you realise whose feet they belong to. Newt must have waited for you to come out and talk to him before falling asleep. You vaguely remember him calling your name and knocking on your door but when your head hit your pillow everything faded away and you were left to your dreamless sleep.

You crouch beside Newt and place a hand on his shoulder, “Newt?”

His eyes flutter open, first filled with confusion but soon they are wide awake –and kind of embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to sleep here all night.” His voice hoarse and filled with sleep and his head hangs in humiliation, “I just wanted to know if you were okay.”

You smile at him, the first since what feels like forever ago. “It’s alright Newt, I didn’t really mean to fall asleep without…” You sigh and fall back beside him, your back leaning against the same wall. “I don’t know about you but for me, everything feels completely different.”

Newt nods and chuckles slightly, “Yeah, I can see why.”

“So what do we do now?”

He looks at you, his face concentrated into a thinking state. He opens his mouth to say something but his voice catches within his throat, instead his lips form another couple of words. “I think you should talk to Thomas.”

You lean your head against Newt and groan, “I knew you’d say that.” You take in a long breath before sighing it out, “I mean, I know I have to but… I don’t even know what to say.”

You get up from your spot beside Newt and stretch your arms up over your head, yawning as loudly as you can. Newt stands up too and wipes away the sleep from his eyes before asking, “We’re going to talk about all of this too, right?”

You nod your head in confirmation, “Right.”

* * *

You asked Newt to stay with you when Thomas came over because you don’t want him to leave you so soon, and you fear that you won’t be able to tell Thomas when it gets around to the moment. You hate the way he looks at you every time you try to bring something serious up, it melts your heart and weakens your strength to continue.

When Thomas enters the house you feel strong and ready to say what you need to, but when Teresa and Minho follow in you immediately turn to Newt –his face just as confused as yours.

“We’re ready when you are.” Teresa smiles, her eyes cheerful.

This is going to be a long day.


	6. Pancakes

“Teresa,” You say, unsure at first, “Hi.”

She smiles over at you, flipping her same, wild hair behind her shoulders, and Minho gives you and Newt a nod of greeting. You turn to Newt again and he gives you that kind of look where his eyebrows are frowning, his eyes confused and his lips slightly pursed.

“You ready to go Newt?” You ignore Thomas’ eyes burning into the back of your head and raise your eyebrows at Newt; suggesting he should play along with this charade you’ve started.

“Yeah…” Newt says slowly, instinctively looking around at the people in the room. “Yeah I’m ready to go.”

So you race upstairs and grab up your purse while Newt searches for his keys. Once you two are ready but very, very not ready, Newt speaks up in hope to possibly talk to you on the way to the café. “I have my car with me so I can take Y/N.”

“Can you take me too?” Thomas asks slyly, a hint of suspicion in his eyes.

Newt looks over at you again, hesitantly, but chooses not to cause a scene in front of everyone, “Yeah, sure, got plenty of room.” He smiles but his brown eyes don’t show any kind of positivity. You try you hardest on your way to the car to hold in your protest as you wanted to use this chance and opportunity to talk to Newt. But soon you’re inside the car, buckled up next to Newt, with Thomas in the backseat by himself. You get a glare from him in the review mirror but you choose to ignore it, right now you just want this whole thing to be over and done with.

In only a few minutes, fortunately, you’re inside the waffle café with Newt on your right and Thomas on your left. Teresa has gone to place your orders so all you can do for now is listen to Minho and Newt’s banter; there’s no way you are able to talk to Thomas. At least not now.

“So Y/N,” Minho starts casually as he leans back into his chair, ruffling a hand through his own hair, “What have you been up to since I last saw your shank face, huh?”

You smile at the familiarity of Minho’s humour and playful attitude towards you, “Not too much, I write and take a few photos for the school newspaper occasionally and I guess I’m getting alright grades at school.”

Minho shakes his head, “No, no, not school, what about  _your_  life?”

You stare down at the pasty-white plastic table, “I… uh… I guess there’s not really anything else.”

Minho raises his hand to his forehead in disbelief, “Oh, c’mon! We were the life of this town, remember? I was always leading you and the gang around the neighbourhood to do all sorts of crazy stuff!” Minho laughs at the memories, and you suddenly wish you could remember them but all you can think of is how much your life has changed since Teresa and Minho left you and Thomas. “I don’t believe you’re not as crazy as you used to be.”

You laugh and shake your head, “Well, I  _did_  become friends with Newt here so… I guess his boring ways of life just rubbed off on me.” You smile wickedly over at Newt and he returns an answer with a pink tongue pointing at you from between his lips.

He rolls his eyes, “Or maybe you just matured.” Newt says truthfully, only looking slightly annoyed.

“Oh come on, shank, we’re just playing with you!” Minho says brightly as he manages to gain a smile from Newt’s lips. Suddenly Minho turns back to you, “Okay, so if you have absolutely nothing wild going on in your life then how about your love-life?” Minho gives a slight side-eye to Newt and you feel a burst of panic shake your body, “Surely you’d have a lover by now? Maybe two?” He says it jokingly because, well, it’s Minho, but it freaks you out all the same.

“I-

“Of course Y/N has no lovers, don’t be stupid.” Thomas says with a deadly serious voice, the first few words his spoken since you all came here.

Minho looks over at him, eyebrows slightly raised, “And you would know… how?”

Thomas stares down Minho for only a few seconds before he cracks a grin, “Because Y/N is Y/N. She doesn’t have time for any lovers, its all about school now.”

Everyone around the table laughs and you wonder if you are the only one laughing forcefully. You know you can’t have Thomas act like this around everyone else, you can’t have everyone around you knowing about what’s going on behind all the lies, when they aren’t even a part of it. Especially since you’re still very much stressed over the fact that you’ve been most likely been hurting Newt all these years, will never be able to see colours and still have to tell Thomas about it all.

“Y/N?” Minho’s voice rings out and you’re suddenly pulled back into the reality of the waffle café. By now Teresa has pulled up a chair beside Minho, and everyone is looking at you worriedly. Newt is about to move his hand closer to yours, you know because this is what he always does when you’re upset, only you just realised it now because… But he stops mid-way and instead pulls it up to rest underneath his chin.

“Sorry?”

“I said: do you have your eyes on anyone?”

Your eyes flicker from Newt to Minho unintentionally, and you try to hide your face as the embarrassment heats both of your cheeks. “I uh…” You feel Thomas stare at you, you tighten your hands into white-knuckled fists. “A-are you still doing lacrosse Minho?”

Minho looks slightly off guard and squints suspiciously, and you think that he’s suddenly worked it out but instead he just replies like usual, “No, I’ve moved onto track and field. Running is more my thing.” A few seconds of silence passes by before he speaks up again, “You didn’t answer my question…”

“How about any marathons? You do those or are you more of a sprinter?” Your voice shakes nervously as you desperately try to keep the conversation off topic. You mentally slap yourself for being so stupid, you could have probably easily and coolly answered his questions but with everything going on… you just can’t force out anymore lies.

Thomas’ voice is full of concern and worry, “Hey… are you okay?” His eyebrows don’t move in question, his voice is flat and his eyes are dead serious. Rather than asking you it’s more like he’s telling you, hinting at you to calm down before you reveal the truth about you and him but little does he know it is a whole lot more complicated than that.

“I-

Suddenly a waitress stops by your table and hands over two plates of waffles before bringing over the rest of all of your orders. Your heart starts to calm and you thank the waitress for stopping the disastrous fiasco that could have been. Within a few seconds everyone is awkwardly, but quietly, munching on their waffles without much complaint.

But someone had to open their big mouth.

“So who is it?”

You look over at Thomas, confusion in your eyes. He returns a look, challenging and threatening. Is he insane? Isn’t he the one that was so paranoid about people finding out that he wouldn’t even dare sit next to you in public? Now he’s just trying to push you to tell everyone! You feel like you don’t know him anymore, the sweet guy you have gotten to know over the years vanishes within minutes of entering this place and you don’t think there’s any way to bring him back.

“What?”

“Well,” Thomas starts, playing with the food sitting on his plate as Minho and Teresa intently listen in, while you can see Newt’s panicked heart pounding in his eyes, “There is obviously someone isn’t there? You wouldn’t have been that embarrassed if there was no one.” You do nothing but keep quiet while the scene decides to play out right in front of your eyes, the scene you most dreaded.

“So? Have  _yet another_  secret lover, Y/N?”

You gulp nervously, and only for a second do you catch Newt’s eye in yours. He shows the same concern, the same worry, and that only frightens you more. What are you going to do now?

Teresa furrows her eyebrows in confusion, her eyes flicker in between the both of you, “Another secret lover?”

But Thomas goes right on ahead and ignores Teresa, “You know, throughout all these conversations you have been glancing at Newt. You two got something your hiding?”

Minho speaks up, his voice calm but dead serious, “Thomas, what the hell are you talking about? What’s wrong with you?”

“Y/N and I have been dating secretly for a few months now.” His voice isn’t even nervous but a single eyebrow is cocked only slightly upwards in a “over it” kind of way, he doesn’t care about anything anymore. “And if she can sneak by all of you with a secret boyfriend then I’m sure she can sneak by me. Right?”

You try to answer but the fear and shock latches at your tongue and your throat, imprisoning them, threatening them not to speak. But like always, Newt immediately comes to your rescue, “What are you implying?”

He cackles, “You know exactly what I am implying!” He looks briefly between both you and Newt with an anger but a deep sadness too in his eyes, “You and Y/N.”

Your breathing steadily calms itself, your voice finding its way up your throat; pouring out of your mouth nervously, “Thomas, you don’t understand…”

He stands up from his seat, slamming his hands onto the table. The cutlery shake, his face goes red. “I knew it!” He breathes noticeably heavily for a few seconds before jumping right back into the conversation before you can reply, but this time his voice is a lot softer. “He’s your soulmate… isn’t he?”

Your hand reaches for his but he pulls away and walks through the café, you grab up your purse and follow him through the exit. He walks ahead of you, his feet hitting the pavement, his hands shoved into his pockets. You run up behind him and cross right in front of his path, a hand on his chest to stop further steps. “It’s not what you think Thomas, I promise you!”

A look of bewilderment and betrayal cross his eyes, “Don’t be an idiot. I’m not stupid, I know you two are together, and behind my back…” His eyes turn angry and dangerous, “And what? Us behind his back?” He laughs dryly, “You really are a piece of work.” He forces a step through you but he doesn’t make it very far as you put both of your hands onto his shoulders.

“You don’t understand, if you would just let me explain!”

Thomas pulls your hands away from him and steps around you forcefully, “What is there to explain?”

“I don’t love Newt!”

He stops in his tracks and turns back to you, his eyes full of hurt but he walks back to you anyway. “Do you love me?” As soon as those words tumble off his lips you regret ever following him out of the café. It echoes dreadfully through your mind as the seconds’ tick away leaving a feeling of intensity and anticipation.  _Do you love me?_


	7. Relieved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Paragraphs and dialogues that are written in italics are flashbacks :-)

You thought you would never hear those words come from your own mouth.

He stops in his tracks and turns back to you, his eyes full of hurt but he surprisingly walks back to you anyway. “Do you love me?” As soon as those words tumble off his lips you regret ever following him out of the café. It echoes dreadfully through your mind as the seconds’ tick away leaving a feeling of intensity and anticipation.  _Do you love me?_

“I…” You swallow a lump formed in your throat, “No, Thomas, I don’t. And I don’t think I ever will…” You place a hand on the side of his arm in comfort, “This might seem absolutely crazy but I didn’t know Newt was my soulmate until yesterday.”

A look of utter confusion crosses Thomas’ eyes and you know you finally have his attention to explain, he finally wants to listen. “I have a… deficiency of some sort. I don’t know much about it, I didn’t even know it existed until yesterday when my parents explained it to me.” You look upon his face momentarily, “I won’t ever see colours, Thomas. I never have been able to. It’s some sort of disease that takes away the ability to recognise who my soulmate is. That’s why I didn’t know Newt was my soulmate. All these years… We were never a thing, I promise.” Your breath shakes and your voice trembles as the guilt floods your emotions. All this time.

“You’re making this up.”

You shake your head, “I wish I was…” Your voice is soft against the harshness of the outside wind. “My Grandmother had it too, it’s hereditary. I don’t know why my Mother didn’t get it… I guess it skipped a generation or something, but it’s real.” You look him in the eyes, a dead serious tone flashes over them. “I wouldn’t ever lie to you.”

“So what, you’re going to leave me for Newt now? You’re going to go against what you’ve been saying all these years?” His voice raises in anger and you see a hint of fire in his eyes.

“I never said that!” Your voice echoes and is lifted up into the wind. “I don’t know anymore…” The memories arise from your clouded past and you almost flinch.

“Does what we have –had mean nothing to you!?”

“I was scared Thomas!” You shake your head as your mind races: will you tell him? The real reason behind your fear, behind your charade of defiance against the world’s idea of love?

“What could have you been so afraid of!?”

His words echo through your mind, you hear your heart thumping in your chest, “Myself Thomas! It was always me. I was the problem from the very beginning.” You had forgotten about it for such a long time –is it really worth the hurt?

“I don’t understand, Y/N…”  

* * *

 

“ _I like Spider-Man but there’s Captain America! He’s a legend!” Newt pointed out an image printed over the pages of one of his many comic books, of course he likes Captain America. That’s just like Newt._

_“But Spider-Man is funny, and sarcastic. He’s literally my spirit animal.” You fell back onto Newt’s bed and stared up into Peter Parker’s eyes, you could say you had a mild crush on him._

_“Yes but...” You listened as Newt went off into one of his rambles again. The sound of his voice bouncing off the walls in excitement, it was obvious to you he felt so strongly about this character. The ways his eyes lit up, right at that moment you would guess they would be the brightest brown there ever was. One day you’d hope to see Newt’s eyes for real; colourful. You watched as his hands moved intricately, following the words in his explanation. You could listen to him for hours._

_How could you not be so in love?_

* * *

 

The tears blur your vision and your mind screams for you to stop. “I met Newt at the start of high school. He was this small bundle of joy, the most amazing person I had ever met.” You wipe the tears from your eyes with a dab of your sleeve, “I was… sort of upset that he wasn’t my soulmate. Or at least from my point of view. Every day I fell in love with him more and more, and that made me scared because I wasn’t supposed to.”

“I thought you said –you don’t love him anymore?” His eyes flitter nervously, his attention directed behind you, and then back onto your face.

“I suppressed it for so long… so I suppose not. But I was glad we stayed friends, and I managed to convince myself that I would be happy for him when he found his soulmate.” Your cheeks redden slightly, not from embarrassment but from stress and exhaustion. It’s been such a long week, and with all of these secrets being revealed it’s almost too much for you to handle. But you continue on with the story because Thomas deserves to know. “I was angry that it didn’t work for us so I hated the idea of it all. And then you and I started talking again, I honestly thought we’d never be friends like we were in middle school but somehow it happened.” You laugh at the memory, “And when you kissed me I knew no one else would ever understand… I was scared that if I had let that chance go I would never find love again.”

Thomas shifts uncomfortably but a sense of realisation fills his eyes, “But it wasn’t love…”

You smile sadly through the tears, your heart is sad but a sense of relief fills your mind. You’ve finally let it out, after all of these years. After thinking something was wrong with you, now you can really understand. “No… it wasn’t, Thomas.”

Thomas’s hands reach up to his forehead and sweep downwards over his sweaty face, “I knew it… deep down I knew that we wouldn’t… you know.”

“I am so sorry Thomas, I never meant to hurt you.”

“It’s okay, Y/N. It’s all okay.” He sweeps you up into a gentle quick hug, a goodbye hug. He steps out of the embrace and bites his lower lip nervously, “Have you told Newt all of this?”

You shake your head, “No, definitely not. I managed to forget about it –or more like ignore it.” It had never crossed your mind again, you never even considered telling him. Ever. You always thought that one day you two would part ways and he would live a nice, happy long life with the girl he loved and you would… well… probably make a mess of yours.

“Well, I uh, suppose he knows about it now…” Thomas diverts his eyes away from yours, and as you hear these words your heart rises into a panic. This is not how you wanted it to be told let alone the fact that you weren’t sure if you even wanted to tell him at all.

You turn around slowly and see him, the same boy from freshmen year. The same boy who you would talk to hours on end about comics, books, movies, life, and when you had to go home you would continue talking to him over the phone until your Mom would shout up at you from downstairs to hang up. The same boy you ate mountains of pancakes on the days you felt crappiest or the days he failed his biology tests. The same boy that drove you out into the night, far away from home, just so you could escape it all for a moment.

“Well… definitely wasn’t expecting that.” Newt’s voice is calm but the emotion you see in his eyes drowns anything calm in him. “I guess at least one good thing has come of all of this though.”

Even though you already know what he is going to say, you ask anyway, “And what’s that?” You feel the same friendliness in your voice, the same caring. Only now do you do you realise how much you missed him. And you’re suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling of gratefulness that all of this drama has happened because now you’re engulfed with a sense of freedom you never thought you would have.

“We’re not just some problems that were left to never be fixed.”

You feel the warm embrace of his arms before you see them, they wrap around your waist and your arms snake around his neck. You press your head against his chest with a fluttering heart. Everything has changed between the both of you, you mentioned that before. No longer is he your best friend but he is not just your soulmate either. He is so much more than that, more than both could ever be.

“I am so sorry, for everything. For everything I put you through. I wish I could go back and tell you how much I loved you.”

“You don’t need to say sorry, maybe if I had the balls to talk to you about it all then we wouldn’t be in this mess.” He laughs but you see a hint of pain in his eyes.

“It’s not your fault.” You whisper, and he only hugs you tighter. You feel the tears prick again at your eyes so you bury your face into his chest. The familiar smell of him relaxes your worries and pushes you to speak up again, “I’m sorry I don’t love you.”

“That’s okay, love,” He tightens his hold on you and you can hear the emotion locked in his throat, “You’ll just have to fall in love with me all over again.”

* * *

 

You walk beside Newt after the both of you say goodbye to Thomas, and meet up with a pair of very confused people; Minho and Teresa. You explain in the briefest way possible about what happened and what was going on, and they both give you and Newt a hug before promising to catch up again another time.

“Sorry for setting this up, I didn’t mean to throw all of this onto you like that…” Teresa apologises, her face full of worry and guilt.

You pull her into a hug, “It’s not your fault T, I should have let you know. We’ll do this again soon when… things settle down.” You give her a smile and soon she is reassured and leaves happily with Minho after he gives Newt one of those weird man-hugs.

You follow Newt out onto the sand nearby, the wind has become calmer since. 

* * *

 

_“Race you there and back?” Newt’s voice rang throughout your ears as he already starts to jog over the slightly wet sand, pulling up the bottoms of his jeans lazily._

_You smile wickedly over at him, “You’re on!”_

* * *

 

“What a wonderful week it has been.” Newt breathes out a sigh as he ruffles his hair, staring out into the crashing waves upon the salty ocean.

You laugh and agree with him wholeheartedly, “Of course we couldn’t just meet and come together like any other ordinary pair of soulmates.” You still cringe at using the word, you hate labels.

Newt chuckles at your words and he stumbles up in front of you and stops you in your path. He takes a step backwards, and brushes back his hair before he relaxes his shoulders. “Hello there, I don’t believe we have met.” His voice is polite and lighter than usual.

You screw up your face in confusion and you let out a slight giggle, “Sorry?”

“My name is Newt,” He takes your hand into his and shakes it momentarily, and you watch as he tries to keep from laughing at himself, “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

You frown at him and take away your hand, “No, the pleasure is all… mine?”

He shies away for a moment, brushing back his hair nervously with pinked cheeks, “You’re so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.”

“You’re terrible at this.”

He coughs, clearing his throat, but he can’t keep a straight face as he laughs slightly while talking, “I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?” He dances around nervously on the spot, his feet soaking in the sand.

“Do you want to get slapped?”

“My Doctor says I am lacking vitamin U.” Newt smiles and reaches out for your hand and takes into his, his hand warm. “Wanna go out sometime?”

“Maybe.”

“Pretty please,” He flutters his eyelashes and tries to give you a pair of puppy eyes. You can’t help but laugh at his effort in trying to ask you out on a date. The feeling of being disconnected and separated from this boy vanishes and you finally feel at home; free.

“Alright ya’ slinthead.”

He holds your hands and gives you a kiss on the forehead, “Good that.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this series, it was very interesting to write. I apologise if it's not that long but there's really nothing else to write on about :-/   
> I will be working on more imagines so be on the look out for them! I'm sure I'll write another series soon, thank you for all of your support!


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